As you know, we moved our family overseas and have been away now for 5 months. During this time, I cannot explain how much I have learnt about myself, life, people, relationships but mostly Motherhood and what it means to me.
You see, I've had a lot of time (surprisingly) to reflect. I think when you're starting again in a new city and you have NO support network you're forced to really think about what your values are and essentially who YOU really are. The early days were tough......getting up in the morning to two challenging spirited boys (staying in one hotel room) and having no play dates lined up or going to the park and not meeting anyone that I felt I clicked with. This forced me to just embrace the boys and work out what kind of Mum I am. And here's what I found out....
I love my boys, honestly I do. I am so grateful for these two little guys who are healthy and thriving, BUT I need time away from them to be a better Mum. I enjoy PARTS of being a Mum and others I just don't enjoy and feel constant guilt about it....i.e. sitting down and playing with them all the time is just not my thing....there, I said it... Does that make me a bad Mum? I feel guilty when I see perfectly manicured images on Instagram with beautiful captions about Motherhood and all I can think about is how rough my kids have been or why the hell did they think it was funny to pull out all the clothes from my drawers whilst I had a 30 second shower? But there are of course so many rewarding times when they're being hilarious or smother me in kisses and tell me they love me. Their little (not so little) personalities are growing every day.
I think the main thing I've realised is that: I am not cut out to be a full-time Mum (I feel guilty writing that). Who are you saints who can stay at home all day every day with your children. I mean it. How do you find the energy and the patience - email me your answers! OR is it that you just genuinely love it? Or is it that it's all relative and you have really chilled, well behaved kids as opposed to two boys VERY close in age who are fighting and wrestling every minute of the day? I know I need to toughen up. The point is that in my opinion there is no wrong or right take on Motherhood and we shouldn't judge because every scenario is different. Honestly I don't think women talk about this enough.
I've worked out that I'm happiest when I've done ONE thing for myself and for me it means going to the gym or Pilates. If I don't get to do that, I am not a happy Mum. So we sat down and worked out the solution which is that I go early in the morning whilst Ryan hangs with the kids. Honestly, it has made a huge difference. So I guess that's my advice: work out what makes you happy and ready to take on the kids for the day. We have also decided to just spend the money on babysitters which we never did in Melbourne. I have then cut back on buying clothes *sigh* but my sanity is WAY more important. One hour of babysitting for me to get my mental health back in order is the cost of 3 coffees....I will happily drink dishwater instant coffee if it means I can go for a walk and clear my head. If we don't do this.....we burn out....I know because there are days when Ryan walks in the door and I run into our room and lock the door. #truestory
So what's next? The boys started Childcare last week and I have been enjoying the days off. Do I miss them.....a little.....but I have been taking the time to do stuff which is now impossible with them (shopping, cleaning, cooking......and binge watching Netflix of course). I am however REALLY itching to do something else. I'm just not sure what. Maybe the personal shopping? I just worry how I will be able to it all but know that I need to do something for me career wise. So please inbox me with ideas. Obviously being Max's Momenger is high on my list. haha.